My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
