I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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