if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
