Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
