There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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