I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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