I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
