"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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