She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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