hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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