If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
