hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
