she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
