You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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