you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
