Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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