I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
