I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
