she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
