I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
