Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
