i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Mom said you looked used
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize