You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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