I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
