I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
