He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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