is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
