My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
