I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
