Ambien. No doubt about it.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
