I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize