my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
