hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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