there's paper in my vomit.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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