Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
