Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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