Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Floor bacon is actually really good
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize