She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I love you.
Bad choice
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
