I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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