wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Randomize
