its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
