Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
