I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
