Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I didn't notice because vodka
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
