Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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