new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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