She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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