Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
