Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize