Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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