Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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