I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
