Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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