Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She told me I should be a condom model.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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