I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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