I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
