Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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