dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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