i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize